Cosmonaut Marie

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago due to the constant complaint of nausea, weakness, and dizziness. After my doctor put me on some medication for what she concluded was an ear infection - which caused the dizziness, she also had the suspicion that I was anemic. So she advised that I take iron pills until I was able to come back for further blood tests that were intended to deduce the cause of the anemia. Once the next series of blood tests were completed and the results came in, the source of treatment was discovered based on the fact that the anemia is the result of a Vitamin B12 deficiency. Another appointment was needed so that I could begin the treatment. Yet again, I had to juggle this in to my crazy schedule, which of course always seems to be in conflict with my doctors ever since she was absorbed into a larger medical facility, so I will not be getting the injection and prescription of B12 that she suggested until this Friday, which is nearly two week since I last had the blood work taken.

And now I have a confession to make - I have been power dieting and exercising to the point of madness over the pat several months.Although anyone who knows me will automatically be aware of this because my weight is one of those nit picky things that I stress over an inordinate amount, I feel as though I need to start enumerating this reality to my self in all of its ugliness of consequence. This is not out of character for me, for I have gone through stages in my life where my weight and body image has been an obsession for me. Even though I claim that I loathe stereotypes about what the perfect woman should look like, I always think back on what I weighed before I was assigned to the use of amphetamines for the treatment of AD/HD and its a reality I do not want to revert back to again. So as a result of this fear I have been eating like a bird continuously just about and jogged nearly every day. Now I have found myself in a position when at times I am too weak to even work out in the same manner and frequency with which I used to, and I am literally having to force myself, at the prompting of my fiancee and friends, just to eat a healthy amount so that can start to live normally again when it comes to having enough energy not just to go to work (which is a store of energy that always seems to be running dry two hours into my shift) but to do the things I want to do without feeling as though I am ready to pass out at eight o' clock at night.

I did some online research and found a few alarming reasons that this happen and the results of said research are alarming - it could be a sort of chronic anemia where my body is incapable of absorbing vitamin b-12. In the past this sort of illness was actually fatal but bizarrely enough they have found that it can be treated through the consumption of liver juice. My doctor has not led me to believe that I have this but I am not certain that enough tests have been done to say that for certain. Of course, just reading what I am writing makes me realize how paranoid this sounds. If I did have such an illness it probably wouldn't be so suspiciously connected to consistent malnutrition.

Right now I can't worry about this too heavily, although I do need to monitor how much and what I am eating. If Allison doesn't find a place by the end of next week, she is going to have to move to Murfreesboro again. Even though I know we can survive such a parting I am going to be an emotional wreck. For the past two years I have grown so attached to her physical presence that the mere idea of separation makes me want cry. Even thinking about my fiancee and I living so far apart makes my head spin in frustration. This isn't right.

I have lost friends in the past due to my own inability to summon up the effort to contact them. I have lost friends due to the fact that we simply grew apart over time since we happened to develop very differing personalities and thus had little to share with each other any more. But never before have I lost friends because their own conduct caused me to utterly hate them. To begin with, the people in question are the two of the others who occupy the house on 14th Avenue. Due to the fact that they are on the lease, and chose to be the only ones on the lease, we knew that they would have the power to evict us should they have any reason to do so. But we never could have fathomed that should they chose to exercise that reason that it would turn out to be over the most petty of slights. One of the major(or at least the slight they seemed to harp over the most) of those slights was fully justified by Allison - she had to stand up for herself when one of their friends continuously over talked her. Apparently the reaction this elicited out of Sinead caused Amy to feel as though she had a reason to fear coming home and thus when the thirty day notice was given, apparently how it was justified was due to the fact that Amy felt too terrified to come home because of how violent Sinead's reaction was to Allison. So, am I catching this right? The whole ordeal that makes it okay to kick someone out of their house is justified by how some one other than that person makes you feel? I am calling bullshit on this one.

Okay, in the end, I get it - Amy is sensitive - too sensitive for anyone's good and so we are paying the price for it. What ever - I'm over that for now. What I am not over with is the reality that even though the thirty day notice was given and Allison asked if there was a possibility if they could reconsider, they chose to sit on that for ten days of that thirty day period before giving us a definitive answer. So for ten whole fucking days we sat waiting on their decision and thus lost the ability to tell anyone who is offering rooms for rent a certain answer about whether or not we could take them up on their offer. This is the reason I am completely livid with the both of them - that they thought so little of our time that they thought it was acceptable to waste it. I don't know how in the hell I ever thought these people were worth spending time with. They have proved to be completely inconsiderate not only in this but in other things, such as answering Allison's small request that they please inform her when people she didn't know would come over. It was all so that she could prepare herself in attire and so forth for guests. So I suppose in the end we shouldn't be all too surprised that it came to this. I suppose they got what they wanted out of us and then thought we weren't worth common fucking courtesy.

I would try to tell you I am not hurt by this but I am. I put a lot of hopes in these two as friends and it turned out to be completely a waste of emotional effort.

In other less dramatic and non - hernia inducing news, Allison has introduced me to Whedon's Dollhouse and I have to say that I am completely hooked. There are a few moments in the show where I find myself a little disappointed by how it resorts to cliches, especially with the background of the villain Alpha who turned out to be a serial killer in the making before he was turned into a doll. But over all the show has kept a bubbling of interest on my part with it's twists and turns as you are constantly unsure of whether or not you should be rooting for the administration of the Doll house or the FBI agent who is working to bring them down. Just like in real life, it proves that the situation is more complicated than can be simply drawn along the line of black and white. The first season has definitely shown itself to be worth investing any amount of time in. Lets see if the second season keeps up the pace.

..that he was growing rather tired of the strong female lead found in many manga and anime related media. This statement was one I heard over two years ago, but as a fond lover of the Japanese franchise Sailor Moon, I find my mind repeatedly returning to it as a matter relevant enough to be given attention. It was a sentence that made me consider every premonition and hope of a feminist utopia that I have been exposed to in my womens' studies course. It also directed my thoughts to wonder what sort of price the inversion of the stereotypical male hero may be bought with. I definitely do not see this here in America, but one could argue that Japan's prolific presence of the female heroine is what would be a side effect of when we reach the pinnacle of feminist achievement in society (don't get me wrong, this is just a what if scenario - I am not claiming in any way that Japan is a feminist ideal - what little I know of the country is through their media, not through any in depth cultural study). Although I don't think my friend said it with any more than seriousness than that of a passing commentary, It was clear that he seemed irked that the stereotype over shadowed any sort of male presence or potential contributions to a story.

And part of me wanted to say, NOW YOU KNOW HOW WE (women) FEEL! I definitely saw a shamefully wonderful moment in his thought of where I could point and say this has been a long time coming. But I know that this is not the sort of reaction that is going to keep any sort power perversion at bay. Having women as the projected and popularized ideal over men, just as men have been over women, is in no way going to make society a more bearable place to live. Although I would eagerly support the idea of a female dominated culture within a heart beat if I gave it no further thought, it seems that on further examination women, even in their stereotypical sweet and gentle selves, could not help but become "masculinized" by power ( that is the nature of power, is it not?). Maybe the day will come when that would not be the case, but it could only come when our structure of gender, with its powers and weaknesses, have been completely abandoned.


But that doesn't mean I still will not revel in cultural icons that equip the female identity with power. As long as Lara Croft and Re's Alice can stand up to the likes of Indiana Jones and Bond, I will be content that the balance is in place. The only issue is is that there are too many of the latter, and not enough of the former in American culture.

I confess. I do at times have repeated segments in my life where I lose all interest in it, and cop out in the focus department. Now we all do that to some degree, but it appears that my ability to keep from giving in to the urge to put my hands up in the air and say FUCK IT is slowly fading away, giving way to an apathy that alarms me even as I am reveling in the benefits of letting go. So even while it may appear that the decision to not pay attention is a conscious one, the reality that I am losing control proves to be something that can't be contested, and as much as I want to bite my tongue for saying this, I want to go back on medication in the aim of regaining a little bit of the control that I feel has been sacrificed as I have begun to let the veil of composure slip as I have dived into the sheets of self discovery that were given as conciliatory prize for enduring the trauma on board the terrifying roller coaster that is life. Too much has happened in too short of a time, so I bury myself in obsessions to keep it from affecting me too deeply (one could argue that it is having a minimal effect; when the shit hits the fan I fall apart completely, obsessions or no). Perhaps this is a delayed teenage emo phase that never was fully initiated because I never allowed myself to become too involved in life at a younger age - that was a time when all was devoted to the art of escape found in books. Or maybe I am just proving to be the maladjusted adult that everyone when I was younger thought I would never be - because I always proved to be the calm, composed little authority figure, but that was always in situations where there was someone else in the driver seat to navigate the treacherous territory that is day to day living. But now I know neither Mom, nor Dad, nor Jesus can take the frakking wheel - this is my race to finish. 

But often I just look at the track and think to myself, "What am I killing myself for?"

And as these words spill out onto the computer screen, out of my brain, directed by my will, I realize that as I sit here this is the reason why. To keep doing this - writing - no matter what the hell it is. I love it too damn much to tap out of reality so that I can escape the fear that I am not good enough. The lack of confidence will fall off like tattered rags that can't cling to the shoulders once they are worn down so much and I will prevail. Even if it is with scars, bruises, and an even more jaded attitude. 

One of those is that in reality, I honestly possess no desire to go to graduate school. I'm aware that many will tell me its the only job secure path I must chose, particularly because, by the end of it all, I am left with a degree that provides no evidence that I've gained a specific set of skills that are in high demand. To make matters worse, the fact that I probably will have a few student loans under my belt that I will have to take out once the hope runs out next year means that I have reconsidered being stuck with a minor I basically chose just to have some visage of job security. Even though I find German culture and it's language fun to learn, I definitely passed over other minors that I knew instantly are worthless when it comes to compiling a resume. Unfortunately, with my degree, a minor is required so this is not something I can just skip altogether - believe me, I would love to devote myself whole heartedly to tidying up the final courses of my major in my last couple of years of school. But since that is not an option, I am going to let it rip about the minor I wanted to chose before but didn't have the balls to select:

Philosophy.

There, I said it. Now I will go and mull over how to break it to the rents that my degree will be dually worthless. 

But by god, at least chose the studies I want to take and not for the sake of some one else. 

You find things out about yourself in the most brutal, stupidest of ways possible. Stupid as in you contrived the scenario, you set yourself up for failure. Brutal as in you are never able to live down how stupid that was of you, so you keep reliving the moment over and over again in your head until it beats your brain into a metaphorical bloody pulp, with your thoughts shuddering as though they are entrails suffering from the disconnect they just experienced with your brain.  And it all was because you failed to think, for just one frakking second you ceased thinking and it almost cost you everything.

I am in a glass room now, a specimen separated from the world. This is where I want to be. This is where its safe. Here, I will always be safe with her.

She is worth more than a sultan's trove of diamonds to me and for her I would abandon what ever is required to protect the space between us, permeated with our thoughts for one another.


________________________________________________________________________________________

Recently I have been sucked into not one, but three RPGs. They run from as benign and cutsie as My Little Pony, which operates under the Savage World rules, to action packed as Dresden Files (which I will actually be playing for the first time today), and finally to the dramatic and potentially powerful story telling  LARP game whose local chapter I am now involved in - Vampire: Requiem. Although Dresden undoubtedly has a learning curve I need to over come involving basic game play rules, I don't think either of the table top games are going to be able to top the massive amount of material I am having to digest for Requiem. Thanks to a good friend of mine, I was able to purchase one of the role playing books for this game that gives one a basic over view of the properties of the blood, which is a subject it seems that a player really needs to understand if you're attempting to have any sort of mastery in comprehension over how the mechanics of the game works. I can play the story part with relative ease, but I realize that I am hindering what my character can do if I do not even fully understand what she is capable of. Special thanks to Amy, Zoe, and Sinead for all of the background info they have and probably will continue to supply me with as I try to dive a bit deeper into this game.

Next month is mine and Allison's two year anniversary, and I am looking forward to taking her out for a marvelous dinner, just savoring nearness of her as we enjoy great food together and the joy of each others company. We made it this far, lets see what else we can scale together.

I know its been too long my dearest journal, but the lack of updates does not come from a lack of events to write on. Allison officially has moved out of her old residence - with much rejoicing going on over the new place and the people who she has the pleasure of living with. The living arrangement she has now came about because two friends of ours happened to be looking for a place around the same time that Allison had begun considering finding a new home as well. So in the knowledge of her search they informed her when they were going over to take a look at the house she lives in now so that they could scan it over and reach an mutual opinion on it. Basically, there was a very minimal need for further deliberation on whether or not to agree to get the place, and so with no more effort than was required to do the actually moving in, my darling now has a home that's comfortable to her and socially suits her very well. Its basically geek galore in that house, 24/7. If some one isn't playing an MMO with another person in the house, then they're role playing.  Amy and Sinead are proving to be excellent house mates - not only do they two of them have numerous qualities that they share with Allison and I, they are very respectful concerning noise in the house (especially when its time for me to hit the rack at eight PM so that I can be up by two AM to be ready to go in at 4).  For the most part Allison is fully settled in - most of the items that are in disarray on her desk are my own, and I am trying intermittently to find more suitable places to put them than  to just let them clutter up the only suitable writing desk in the house.  On top of the moving process that has been taking place with Allison, I have been trying to juggle getting my possessions moved out of my grandmother's place since she is eventually going to be moving in to my old room at my parent's place at some point this month. When it's all said and done I am basically going to be a floater without a room of my own any more - but my grandmother needs to be with on site aid due to the degenerating condition of her spinal cord. 

Work has been a boon to me - not only is it giving me the opportunity to acquire a new field of job experience but it's been wonderful to have a little bit of money of my own after about half of every paycheck is stored in savings for next year's school fees. It has been some what of a circus act trying to juggle both school and work. Its not that my hours conflict with study time its just that by the time I have spent an entire day comprised of work and then eight hours of school I am pretty much spent and have little energy - mental or physical to spend on school. The move has also forced me to readjust to my early hour study times - I try to be cautious and not wake any one up. Its not like at the old place where every one who was sleeping was usually at least a floor removed from us. Now they are literally just right down the hall. But I feel as though I am getting the feel of everyone's nocturnal rhythms. Finally - a little bit of harmony for once. 

Far as other facets of my life go - lets just say that my love of Yana Toboso's character Grell Sutcliff (from Kuroshitsuji or Black Butler) has pretty much exploded into an obsession that has led me to want to cosplay the living fuck out of this gender fuck character. Grell's appeal comes from an identity that I perceive is a transsexual femininity that basically is left only to inference on the part of Toboso's story telling. Mix that in with a vivacious, sex and pain loving personality that leads me only to conclude that this character basically is me if I had no reservations about sex and concerns about anything professional. Its kind of like Toboso took everything I keep bottled up and poured it onto the character concept of Grell - and viola, there's a juxtaposing crazy ass ginger. So, in the efforts of creating a cosplay that Allison and I designed a theme for last night, I have already bought a red lingerie satin robe with the aim of also buying a matching red bra and boy shorts to with it. The wig I am ordering next Friday and have plans of paying one of my two friends who style hair to fix it up like the character's (which ever friend wants to pick it up is the one I will let go at it). The theme for the cosplay is "Red Overdose" with the idea behind it being that if Grell was an adult film star, this is the kind of look she would go for. Now don't get the wrong idea, I am not going to be showing any of my lady parts when Allison shoots this cosplay for me. But I do plan on it being provocative, sexy, and 100% stylistically my Grell. <3

My parents have finally begun the great push - the one that is suppose to alert me to the fact that I desperately need to get the ball rolling on my future, or at least the means to securing financial stability. This was a motion that they have some what informed me was going to become official in the months before and despite the fact that I had been making attempts to prepare for it, the official edicts caught me off guard not only in my life situation but also in my monetary one. The declaration they made read as so: By the end of May 2012 my father will have officially transferred the car so that it is in my name, so thus I am completely responsible for its upkeep and it's insurance payments; by the end of this coming summer, if I do not have enough money to pay at least half of my school fees and half of my books, then I will not be able to attend my senior year of college. Of course, these are all things that I have been a firm believer in and have been hoping to work towards achieving them as goals, but I have been so anxious about the inability to find a job that when they said these demands and gave voice to them ( as though by speaking it made them not into just words but into a more concrete reality) I had some what of a terrible, unsubstantiated premonition that I will fail to meet any of these life challenges and thus I would lose this swift path to attaining the key to my dreams of earning a means to fiscally support myself (college degree). But my mother is right, that degree will be of little use if I have no job experience to accompany it (what little I do have has been small time, tourist attraction sort of jobs).

So in a sort of state of panic I began to fill out applications like it was nobody's business. My darling Allison was kind enough to accompany me as I began a crusade of hitting up every eligible business on one side of Gunbarrel Road a little over a week ago. She was very encouraging - even when I thought that I wouldn't have the qualifying experience of knowledge to apply to a certain job, she was the ever resounding echoic response of "What harm could it do?"  So I ended up asking various retail places such as Dick's Sporting Goods, Hobby Lobby, and Target  as well as numerous other stores such as grocery markets and by the end of the day I still had a cluster of applications I was dedicated to filling out online during the weekend.  By that following Saturday I had already received a phone call from Target asking if I would come in for an interview on Thursday at nine thirty AM.
One can only describe my reaction at such a quick response as elation with a tinge of fear. I had not been expecting to receive a call in from that first set of applications, I was expecting it to be a much longer process before I gained any response due to the poor economy and my lack of a variety of experience. Since I had such a quick response I sort of felt like everything is on the line on this one, seemingly gracious opportunity to prove myself.

When I showed up on site for the interview I ,as always, appeared way too early, so I spent about fifteen minutes working on one of my more recent story developments. I found this sort of mental focus encouraging because it reminded me what the end of all of my work is to be: my writing. After that I wandered about the store, admiring various articles of clothing that would make me enjoy working at Target since its selling clothing that I feel like fit me aesthetically. When the time came, I made my appearance at the customer service desk as directed and then I was informed that I needed to complete a questionnaire - this made me a little nervous because I was afraid that maybe I should have filled it out earlier than the schedule meeting time lest taking time up to do it would reflect poorly on my punctuality. But in the end my worry was for not. After the first interview, I was immediately informed that some one would be with me to conduct a second interview. Whereas the first one had gone relatively smooth without any out right probing or further questioning of my responses, the second interviewer told me outright that she felt that I had a more serious, intellectual vibe and she was concerned that may not be a good fit for the sort friendly customer approach I would be expect to have in aiding guests out when they appear in the store. So she asked me to prove that I could by telling her of a scenario where I showed myself to be friendly and helpful in my previous job and I provided her with an example where I would exhibit various food items when I worked at the ball park when customers seemed uncertain or at a loss for what they should order. Apparently this response was perfect because she then told me that Human Resources would be meeting with me shortly. After I met with the head of Logistics human resource department I discovered that it will probably be best for me to work a night shift, which has hours that extend from 2:00 AM to 8:00 AM in the morning during the holiday season. Once that time is over and it switches back to regular hours, I will be working from 4:30 to about 8:00 (which is shorter than the actual shift, which lasts until 10:00, since they are willing to work with me and my school schedule). The day during which I work are Monday, Wednesday,Friday and Saturday and this will work great with my school schedule because that means I will have days of reprieve. 

Right now I am waiting on the drug test results to get back before they call me in for orientation ^_^.

Its also worthy to note that my parents did not seem to push this ousting process until after I had made the announcement that I am going to marry Allison. But it will all work out in the end - I want to be independent any way and I want to be able to help Allison and I support our life together - the agreement is that we are not going to get married until I also am able to support our existence together. 

...but life around these parts has been crazy, and although I would not be 100 percent honest that my time has been occupied by school alone (a portion of it has been devoted towards dabbling in my obsession with Smallville, Wonder Woman, and other fandom related sundries) I definitely have not been dormant in regards to the matters of life. Perhaps this past month, more than any I have ever had in my whole life, has been gearing me more towards the direction of the future. Unfortunately though, it seems as though while swept up in the tides of life and obsession my writing has been somewhat lacking in its prolificness (with the exception of the projects I have been working on for school, which, as far as I am concerned, mean very little in the way of developing creatively). But yesterday I had a burst of creative momentum come through while I was sitting on the couch in the living room in my parents house. The details I applied to paper required a bit of positioning and maneuvering in regards to what I had previously written and I am taking that as a sign that I am getting a bit of that stylistic vision back - which requires more insight that just continuously putting the next scene onto paper. It needs one to determine what the story needs and the will to go back and add it in, even if its not progressing the tale immediately forward towards the end. In my youthful impatience I often fail to see that sometimes it is not in the best interests in the story to just plunge through to the end, but rather to make sure you have all of your cards in the best order so that when you lay them down the reader cannot help but realize that you have won in the delivery of the thing. 



Kailyn also crafted some of her wonderful sausage balls and believe me, I am sure I wasn't the only one going to town on them not only for their yummy factor but also for their ability to help absorb all of the alcohol that was sloshing around in our stomachs. 

When Samantha and Katrina showed up, Kailyn, Allison, and I presented Samantha with a couple of her birthday gifts, since her birthday happened to be the next day after the party and all of her plans to travel for her special day had fallen through.  Her reaction to her two presents (a How To Train Your Dragon action figure and a Princess Belle Barbie) was absolutely priceless:



When Samantha arrived she gave me one of the coolest gifts I have ever received: a hand painted portrait of Wonder Woman that she designed and worked on herself. I absolutely love it and I cannot wait to have a frame to put it in so that I can flaunt it off to everyone that enters my room and house(which will be someday :day dream sigh:)

Kain gave me a Hero click of Wonder Woman that apparently is no longer even produced. I wish had some decent pictures of it so that I could share with you how neat it is!

By the end of the night, we were sufficiently warmed up to each other that when Kailyn broke out her collection of Pokemon, Disney, and Sailor Moon songs, we basically took over Kain's living room with dancing as we burst out into song. I think she was a little terrified at all of the girliness that had just infiltrated her house.

It was wonderful to have a party experience  several ago that was free from panic attacks or boredom. Spectrum's president, Brynn, had his twenty first birthday and he graciously shared with me some of his delicious special Birthday sprite, the consequences of which I will go into later on in the entry. Due to the fact that there were a couple of new people (new as in I have never met them before) at the party who happened to be exceptionally good conversation makers. My newly found interest in the realm of comic books that began with my desire to know more about the emblematic Wonder Woman was satiated with stimulating discussion covering basically the whole scope of the DC and Marvel universe. Thanks to Bryan Barkley and my dear Kailyn, I essentially gained a intro to Comics 101 course in the span of merely two hours. Also, the discussion of anthropology led us into some interesting circumstances that I would probably only allow while I am on a considerable sugar high from sprite.  Since the subject of primatology came up, the concept of grooming came into play, which led to a lot of sprite induced youth to massage each other's hair in a way that any one who has serious concerns about personal space would have found disturbing. I am certain that if it wasn't for the sprite - it definitely would not have happened but I am certain that even with the sprite I would never have allowed some one to touch my hair who I didn't have a good vibe from those who were involved. Usually I am more rigid about my personal space than that, but I didn't in the least feel threatened or invaded by the people who were involved in our "let-rub every one's hair just because we can game " so I sort of let my usual sense of propriety involving my personal space go - and made a few promising acquaintances because of it. After two shots of some particularly sugary sprite I didn't think I was experiencing the type of sugar high that people usually have conveyed to me from their own experiences with it, but after ingesting another brand of sprite I found that I was so far into the sugar high that I actually ended up dropping my glass and had to clean up the section of the kitchen floor that I ended up spoiling with my accident. I definitely had to learn that there are limits to drinking said beverage because even though I did not experience the terrifying side effects of having too much of said beverage I did experience the out-of-body sort of effects where you seem to be liberated from your muscles and the movements of your body. That being said - I responsibly waited to come off of my sugar high before I even attempted to leave Brynn's exciting birthday party (it was exciting for me in some regard because I actually expereinced my first "sugar high" of this particular sort). I normally wouldn't go into the details of my sugar high - but this is the first, and I feel like I need to archive the experience.

I've been hanging out with my friend Kailyn quite a bit these days and I look back on the three years that I have known her and I wonder how the hell I missed on on the opportunity before of getting to know a really great woman - she's funny, witty, and knows a hell of a lot of stuff about geek related things that have always interested me but I've never actually known anyone who knew enough to tell me something of them to sufficiently spark my interest in them (aka - COMICS!!!) She is one of those rare friends whom I can just hang out with and not have to worry about all of those silly little barriers of appropriateness that I have to concern myself with when I am around most of the other people I hang out with. Whether we are playing video games, watching scary movies, or   having a fabulous Xena marathon, she just lets me be me with no social strings attached - and that my friends, is what being a friend is about. :D 

Thanks to a friend that I was recently introduced to - I now have a job at Blowing Screams Farms which consists of scary the living hell out of people to the best of my ability. The job officially ends this weekend and I started working a couple of weekends ago, so it hasn't been the longest job I've ever had but its another reference to add to my resume once I finally get to ask my boss permission about listing his name and number on it. The disadvantage to this job though is that I have to miss the majority of this Halloween party I had been planning on attending - but since I get off at twelve thirty (the job begins around seven)  I will be able to go, dress up, and prance around as Wonder Woman for a little bit before I have to take my darling and a couple of my friends from the party home. But believe me, this inconvenience definitely doesn't out weigh the benefits of having a little bit more money to put away and having more job experience tucked under my belt. 

At the beginning of the month I participated in a Slut Walk that was the first of its kind in the Chattanooga area. For the event - I decided to dress up as Wonder Woman - since the super hero is known for her feminist outlook and as a defender of justice I thought it would be very appropriate to wear her attire as a symbol of protection against those who try to pin the tail of blame on those who are the victims. It was wonderful to see what a great turn out there was to this event, which definitely bodes well for it to return next year around this same time. There were quite a few male participants - which speaks volumes that this is not just a woman's issue - it affects all genders who are at risk of being sexually abused/raped. For those of you who do not know what the Slut Walk is - here is a great summary of its purpose. One of the photographs that my darling took of me holding my little speech bubble against victim blaming features me standing next to a woman with this potent sign:
 
when I first read this woman's sign - my heart almost broke in two because trying to fathom what it took to gather that much courage to stand out before the public with this sign was difficult. I admire her for her bravery and I think its points like these that really get the idea across that we do live in a victim blaming society. Think of how many times you have heard the excuses for men in regards to rape spread across the media and the public consciousness - and then you get to see the woman that such excuses are geared towards and really sends the message home that such stupid excuses do not make up for the harm that was done to a real person. No does mean no! - and we all need to work towards creating a society where that phrase holds serious validity no matter what the circumstance.

On October 9th - I asked THE question - the one that has been percolating inside my brain for months now and the one that I have come to a major, serious decision about. This decision pertains to who I want to spend the rest of my life with. And on the day before her birthday, I let Allison know that she is that person by asking her to marry me. From the moment I met her there has been this element about her that makes my heart resonate with her own in such a way that I have never experienced before and I know that its improbable that  anyone else could ever harness this sort of connection that exists between us with out it burning out within the span of merely a few months. Allison has kept me utterly entranced with who she is for over a year and a half now - and that is a very rare quality indeed.  Beyond that - it is the very essence of who this incredible woman is that makes me realize that I couldn't even try to break away from her even if I attempted to - my love for her is just that strong.  I knew that when asking this question there was the distinct possibility that she would say no on the premise that its too soon to be making any sort of decision like that - and this thought plagued me in the days before the time I set to ask her if she would be wife. But to my joy and happiness she said yes - and that, my friends, is the best thing that has ever happened to me; it is the best gift I could ever get for years and years times that to come. Its quite intimidating when I realize the sort of reaction I probably going to get from my parents because its highly probable they will not even think this marriage will be legit and will try to imagine that I am not really getting married (although this doesn't affect me at all, its disheartening to think that they will not be accepting this big life decision I am making as a serious one). But I have made special  arrangements to make this announcement to them - it will be a few weeks before this happens, but if they find out before this and I figure out who told them - believe me I will put you "on my key chain" as grandma Joyce says. If it's an accident because you had know idea I had yet to tell them the news - then that is another story and I am understanding - I took that risk when Allison and I agreed to make the engagement public to our friends on facebook. (I know - I probably have set myself up for an unwanted revelation too soon before I have arranged to make it myself, but I will deal with that if it comes up in a calm manner). 

My birthday is at the end of November and I must be one spoiled little twenty year old going on twenty one, because I already know/have two of my birthday gifts. One's from Kailyn and the rest is from my darling! :D